Fear and the Beach

Source: Postsecret

I've been saving this since July 28th.

I'd be lying right now if I said I wasn't feeling a little scared right now about the future. I have a friend who just declared her major and I have several other friends who are extremely close to declaring their majors AND minors. I know what I want to major in and a possible minor, but actually declaring it is pretty scary now. As you all are extremely (and possibly annoyed with) aware of my major and mom situation, the time is drawing closer to tell her what I want to do.

It doesn't help that she basically told me to make sure this education is worth it because the rising cost of going to school is become ridiculous. Then I started worrying. What if I can't get a job? What if my writing takes me nowhere? What if I go nowhere after June 2012? Left in the dust while my friends go on to get good jobs and continue on...without me.

I'd continue to lie to you if I said my confidence was shattered...because it isn't. If I graduated, couldn't find a job, and just gave up on everything, then the four years at UCI would've been for nothing. Not because it didn't find me a job, but because I obviously didn't learn how to readjust and change a situation.

But I'm not about to become like the person that submitted that post secret, at least not the first part. Maybe I'll catch a break.

We read this book called "Outliers" for Writing 39C and it basically talks about the different circumstances in which people become successful. Some were by skill, some were by practice, some were by luck and some were from just hard work. I won't be able to say now if any of those factors helped me.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm writing this more for myself because I need a place to remember it should my memory fail:
I had a dream last night that I remember vividly, which is odd because I don't really remember my dreams often. I essentially spent the entire day with my dad. I don't remember everything we did, but I remember the end the most. We were on the boardwalk on some beach. He said he had to leave and we just hugged. I don't remember him walking away, but I remember the sinking feeling I had. The emptiness. Either way it wasn't a good feeling to see him leave. I'm not a fan of dreams like this. It makes me feel like I didn't sleep at all because it felt too real. I've never felt emotions during my dreams until this point, never quite felt so sad because of something my imagination cooked up.
But then my mind turned it around for the better. I would give anything to spend a day with my dad again, more than anything, and I essentially did. And I'm glad I felt so sad when it was over. And I'm glad I associate my dad with the beach. Those two things are always associated with pure genuine happiness.

I guess sometimes we just need a little bit of sadness to realize how happy we really are.





wildwombat