The Pain It Won't Even Cross My Mind

Love,
It's the wave I ride,
That won't ever reach the shore.
Overwhelmed by the tide
And wanting nothing more, tonight.
Than to take this time
And make it all mine.
It's coming around again.

I've been thinking a lot about careers again. This would be the point where my therapist would roll her eyes while I'm not looking. My mom keeps badgering me about what I'll be able to do with a degree in Literary Journalism and a minor in Film and Media studies.
I understand that it's a competitive career.
I understand that it's tough and not a secure career.
And I keep getting reminded that it isn't the best way to make a living.
But why can't you show even the least bit of faith in me? I'm trying! I really am! Do you know how many people would have given up right now? Do you know how I could have rebelled and not even gone to college?

Why can't anything satisfy you?
My grades are never good enough.
My major isn't good enough.
My outside activities are never good enough.

No matter how frustrated I get with my mom, which is a lot, I need to understand her point of view. She worries so much solely out of love. No parent wants to see their child fail. No parent wants to see their child fall. I can't blame her for doing that. But I don't appreciate her way of showing it.

Every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream.
The air gets clean and the seas get wide.
And I can do anything.
The pain it won't even cross my mind.
There is wonder in everything.
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

Before I took my first Lit Journalism classes, I was so confident in it. Writing came easily to me. Easier than math or science. I could do it. I could write for Sports Illustrated or take pictures for National Geographic. I could do it all. Until I had to bust my ass to make the grade. That was a pleasant wake up call. But more importantly, I made the grades. So I could do it. My mom doesn't know about those LJ classes. She doesn't need more leverage to tell me not to do this. And yet, I'm completely satisfied with it.

Hope,
It's the light that strikes,
That burns inside of me.
It's a blinding light,
But somehow I can see, again.
When I've lost my way.
It's becoming very clear.
And its coming around again.

My mom enjoys putting me on this roller coaster of supporting me and not supporting me. She'll talk about all these cool stuff that need writers and turn around and tell me to go to law school or something. Most of the time, she's telling me to do something else.
This last quarter it was hard to find hope. I was doing terrible in my LJ class, my councilor even questioned if I should be doing this, and I was already under the gun to declare something. I spent a lot of nights going to sleep thinking way too far into a future where I was doing nothing with my life. Kids I went to high school with were telling me to gather the carts in the parking lot or that those fries needed to be cooked faster. But my friends helped me.
I can't give them all enough credit outside of acknowledging their help. Heard a lot of "You can do it" and "Don't worry about it" and "It'll take an army to bring you down." I'm beyond thankful for them.

Every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream.
The air gets clean and the seas get wide.
And I can do anything.
The pain it won't even cross my mind.
There is wonder in everything.
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

Breathe easier. Whatever happens, happens.

Somewhere between the darkness and the light.
My spirit takes to flight.
The colors fill the sky,
And I am free, oh ohh.

It's coming around again.
It's coming around again.
It's coming around again.

I think it was the thought of failing and the support of my friends that made me write so much better. People wanted to see what I had written. Like my mom, friends don't want to see their friends fail. I want to give back all the support they ever had to me somehow.

Every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream.
The air gets clean and the seas get wide.
And I can do anything.
The pain it won't even cross my mind.
There is wonder in everything.
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

I thought a lot about how I had come to want to study journalism. I never did anything like this before college. I just made the grades, I never was outstanding in one particular class. And I began to think about little kids who say they want to be astronauts or firemen or president. Then I thought about my mom trying to guide me into becoming something I didn't want to be. How was that fair?
What happened to supporting your child's dreams?
What happened to "The Sky is the limit"?
Why did my mom have such little faith in me?
When did the thought that we could actually do anything die?
I never got that reality check. I was and still am under the impression that I can do anything. Why even tell our children that they can do anything if later down the road they'll realize that they really can't? Save them the trouble of keeping their hopes up. Save them the trouble of being disappointed. Tell them now while they're young that eventually they will realize they cannot become anything. To your parents, you are just an investment. You will need to pay off eventually with a good career. Don't give them the impression that there is hope. Herd them in one direction, towards one career so they understand that that is what they will have to do for the rest of their lives in order to be happy and to make your investment worth it because that's all they are. Numbers. They're nothing but a GPA, a dollar symbol or a serial number.

And every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream
The rope gets loose, the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

Fuck all of that.

I've known for sometime that my mom does not like this. I've heard too many times that journalism is not a sustainable career.

Get this through your head: I am unstoppable.

If I end up sitting on the side of the road clutching my degree in 2 years, then you can say "I told you so."
If I end up hating this career and wish I could have done something different, then you can say "Why didn't you become a doctor or a lawyer?"
But if I make something out of this, I will remain silent.
If I can take the right steps to become successful, I will keep my mouth shut.
This is not because I will have proved you wrong. This is because I will feel so accomplished, I will not want to or have the time to say "Wrong, I told you so."

I love my mom.
I love my friends.
I love my major.
I love you.
You and me, we're unstoppable.

If someone has told you, you can't do something, they're lying.
You can still do anything. If we couldn't do anything, life wouldn't let us think we could in the first place.



wildwombat

Consider My Game Stepped Up

When I was in middle school, I could barely keep up with honors classes.
When I was in high school, my GPA was not enough to get into decent colleges.
While I'm in college, my GPA is not good enough to study abroad.
While I'm in college, my GPA is also not good enough for Grad school.
According to my Mother.

If/When I go to Grad school, I can't wait to see what my mom will think that GPA won't be good enough for because there's nothing higher than that.

Keep telling yourself that you're just pushing me harder, Mom.
Keep telling yourself that you're just making sure I'm approaching things logically and realistically because it definitely does not sound like you have zero faith in me at all.

But I'm done taking it personally. Winter Quarter 2010 was exceptionally hard for me. If you have even the slightest sense of what I had to do, I think your mentality would change.

I needed to get B's in both LJ classes to move on.
I'm sorry my other classes had to take a hit in order for me to do better in those classes, but sometimes you need to make the sacrifice and I was willing to do that. You obviously missed the part when I spent 2 weekends holed up in my room working on these papers for LJ. The 2 times a week I went to office hours to make sure that paper was golden. The 2 times I woke up at 4 in the morning to go observe rowing practice. The times this quarter where I almost threw up out of stress.

Sorry you missed out on that, Mom. Sorry you have some weird need to cut down my achievements.

But what's new? I'm not even phased by your negative comments anymore. Your level of satisfaction is astronomical. Even when my sister only has 10 weeks of her college career, you still feel the need to suggest different majors and the health care field. And although you still think you can convince me to change to the health care field, it's impossible now.
It's ironic because you told me "Do what ever you want, just get it done in four years." I'll get this LJ major and Film and Media minor done in 4 years, but if you want me to switch into the health care field now, I'll probably be in school for another 2 years.

Little venting there Soupers, but seriously, I'm extremely relieved that I made those grades. I understand my GPA needs major improvement, but man those LJ classes were killing me and I'm glad to see that stress paid off and I'm also happy to know that I can push myself to make improvements instead of waving the white flag.

Now that I know my grades, I will post up the articles for sure. I don't think I've ever felt more confident about my work until and you all should have the chance to read it.

This is what I would have done if I wasn't at home

Mick Fanning ASP World Champion

Steven Gerrard, Liverpool FC captain

Roger Federer, Greatest tennis player in the history of the game


wildwombat

Variables

I'm starting to figure out that I like to have things figured out when I'm in situations where I don't know the outcome because I want to prepare myself for every possible outcome.

But that's impossible. I will not live my life preparing for the future because I'll miss the present, however I will not live so much in the present that the future always takes me by surprise.

I'll find the balance of being prepared AND going with the flow.

I suppose this is what is slowly making me more into an adult. I've never been more aware of the "growing up" process.


And on that note of maturity, I'm going to sound incredibly immature here so you can stop reading here if you'd like.
My two best guy friends now have girlfriends.

Actually, I'm going to stop there. This is something I don't think needs to be seen here by who knows how many people.




wildwombat

Contrary To Popular Belief

I am not neglecting this blog. I think I put so much effort into my Lit Journalism pieces, I'm running low on inspiration, but it's paying off, Soupers. I got A's on both of my final papers. The final grade is still up in the air, but I'm happy for right now. Gives me faith. Gives my mom faith. I'll probably post them up here when I feel like it.

I think one of the hardest parts about coming home, is telling everyone what you've been doing since you've been away. For some people, you can just pick back up like you've never been away. I like that. But for others, you have to scramble to find interesting things you've done, but because you've been away, what is interesting to you might not be interesting to them. Conversations become shorter. Stories are often followed by "You had to be there." Or require so much background information on the people involved that it becomes pointless to tell it because you'll end up following it with "You had to be there."

But then you realize that even though it might seem like you're losing touch with your friends. It's impossible. Two years of being at separate colleges cannot, will not replace at least 6 years of being friends. And then it's alright.

Sky from Philip Bloom on Vimeo.

I saw this video the blog of my friend, Jenna . Jenna, if you're reading this, I'm in disbelief at how similar our tastes in movies, art and humor are.

This video is stunning. I've watched about 3 times focusing on different parts of the frame whether it's just the buildings, just the sky, just the ground. It's always something new. Takes me to a different place.



wildwombat

TV Theme Melody

This kid has more talent than Justin Bieber. Where the hell is his music contract?

Happy Spring Break Soupers!





wildwombat

Well I lied, my mom questioned whether I should go into Literary Journalism or not. She wanted to know if it will "let me keep my current lifestyle" and that everything I'm doing here is an investment.

So now I know my counselors AND my mom question me. How can I not question myself about this?

I remind myself to keep my head above the water, but right now the water is rising a little too fast.

I;m glad life likes to throw all the stress at me at once. It really makes me want to face the upcoming days.

I should stop being so emo and whiny. Sorry Soupers. I'm not myself right now.



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