The Pain It Won't Even Cross My Mind

Love,
It's the wave I ride,
That won't ever reach the shore.
Overwhelmed by the tide
And wanting nothing more, tonight.
Than to take this time
And make it all mine.
It's coming around again.

I've been thinking a lot about careers again. This would be the point where my therapist would roll her eyes while I'm not looking. My mom keeps badgering me about what I'll be able to do with a degree in Literary Journalism and a minor in Film and Media studies.
I understand that it's a competitive career.
I understand that it's tough and not a secure career.
And I keep getting reminded that it isn't the best way to make a living.
But why can't you show even the least bit of faith in me? I'm trying! I really am! Do you know how many people would have given up right now? Do you know how I could have rebelled and not even gone to college?

Why can't anything satisfy you?
My grades are never good enough.
My major isn't good enough.
My outside activities are never good enough.

No matter how frustrated I get with my mom, which is a lot, I need to understand her point of view. She worries so much solely out of love. No parent wants to see their child fail. No parent wants to see their child fall. I can't blame her for doing that. But I don't appreciate her way of showing it.

Every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream.
The air gets clean and the seas get wide.
And I can do anything.
The pain it won't even cross my mind.
There is wonder in everything.
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

Before I took my first Lit Journalism classes, I was so confident in it. Writing came easily to me. Easier than math or science. I could do it. I could write for Sports Illustrated or take pictures for National Geographic. I could do it all. Until I had to bust my ass to make the grade. That was a pleasant wake up call. But more importantly, I made the grades. So I could do it. My mom doesn't know about those LJ classes. She doesn't need more leverage to tell me not to do this. And yet, I'm completely satisfied with it.

Hope,
It's the light that strikes,
That burns inside of me.
It's a blinding light,
But somehow I can see, again.
When I've lost my way.
It's becoming very clear.
And its coming around again.

My mom enjoys putting me on this roller coaster of supporting me and not supporting me. She'll talk about all these cool stuff that need writers and turn around and tell me to go to law school or something. Most of the time, she's telling me to do something else.
This last quarter it was hard to find hope. I was doing terrible in my LJ class, my councilor even questioned if I should be doing this, and I was already under the gun to declare something. I spent a lot of nights going to sleep thinking way too far into a future where I was doing nothing with my life. Kids I went to high school with were telling me to gather the carts in the parking lot or that those fries needed to be cooked faster. But my friends helped me.
I can't give them all enough credit outside of acknowledging their help. Heard a lot of "You can do it" and "Don't worry about it" and "It'll take an army to bring you down." I'm beyond thankful for them.

Every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream.
The air gets clean and the seas get wide.
And I can do anything.
The pain it won't even cross my mind.
There is wonder in everything.
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

Breathe easier. Whatever happens, happens.

Somewhere between the darkness and the light.
My spirit takes to flight.
The colors fill the sky,
And I am free, oh ohh.

It's coming around again.
It's coming around again.
It's coming around again.

I think it was the thought of failing and the support of my friends that made me write so much better. People wanted to see what I had written. Like my mom, friends don't want to see their friends fail. I want to give back all the support they ever had to me somehow.

Every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream.
The air gets clean and the seas get wide.
And I can do anything.
The pain it won't even cross my mind.
There is wonder in everything.
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

I thought a lot about how I had come to want to study journalism. I never did anything like this before college. I just made the grades, I never was outstanding in one particular class. And I began to think about little kids who say they want to be astronauts or firemen or president. Then I thought about my mom trying to guide me into becoming something I didn't want to be. How was that fair?
What happened to supporting your child's dreams?
What happened to "The Sky is the limit"?
Why did my mom have such little faith in me?
When did the thought that we could actually do anything die?
I never got that reality check. I was and still am under the impression that I can do anything. Why even tell our children that they can do anything if later down the road they'll realize that they really can't? Save them the trouble of keeping their hopes up. Save them the trouble of being disappointed. Tell them now while they're young that eventually they will realize they cannot become anything. To your parents, you are just an investment. You will need to pay off eventually with a good career. Don't give them the impression that there is hope. Herd them in one direction, towards one career so they understand that that is what they will have to do for the rest of their lives in order to be happy and to make your investment worth it because that's all they are. Numbers. They're nothing but a GPA, a dollar symbol or a serial number.

And every now and again sometimes,
I get lost on the wind of a dream
The rope gets loose, the chains unbind.
And I can do anything.

Fuck all of that.

I've known for sometime that my mom does not like this. I've heard too many times that journalism is not a sustainable career.

Get this through your head: I am unstoppable.

If I end up sitting on the side of the road clutching my degree in 2 years, then you can say "I told you so."
If I end up hating this career and wish I could have done something different, then you can say "Why didn't you become a doctor or a lawyer?"
But if I make something out of this, I will remain silent.
If I can take the right steps to become successful, I will keep my mouth shut.
This is not because I will have proved you wrong. This is because I will feel so accomplished, I will not want to or have the time to say "Wrong, I told you so."

I love my mom.
I love my friends.
I love my major.
I love you.
You and me, we're unstoppable.

If someone has told you, you can't do something, they're lying.
You can still do anything. If we couldn't do anything, life wouldn't let us think we could in the first place.



wildwombat