Bad Faith

Source: Postsecret.com

Every morning at 8:15AM I wake up and question why I keep going to my Philosophy class. I could list the reasons why I should just lie back down and go back to sleep, but that would be an entry in itself. And yet sometimes we discuss interesting topics...like
de Beauvoir and "Bad Faith."

From what I can remember during the lecture my professor saying that bad faith to de Beauvoir is denying who you are as a free being. It's letting someone else make the decisions for you and blindly accepting the decisions they make. It's being unauthentic.

Now as you know and are possibly bored of reading, I'm currently in a struggle over telling my mother what I really want to do with my life and for some reason certain events are happening that are haunting as they are closely related to it.

I realize that I cannot and will not let others make decisions for me and I will not blindly accept them. I discussed with a friend of mine which was worse in the eyes of your parents:

Knowing exactly what you want to do, but your parents don't like it
or
Not having any idea what you want to do at all

I'm not sure which is worse, but I know I fit in to the first one pretty well. I'd like to go into journalism. Hopefully my passion for photography will help me get there. Another friend asked what I would cover if I got a job in journalism and I replied: Sports photography/reporting, Nature photography, or working for a magazine like Time or Life. And now that I think about it, I wouldn't pass a chance to become an advertising photographer. He then proceeded to tell me to go for it. Get internships and look into jobs, simply put: Prove. Her. Wrong.

And as mean as that sounds, it's almost true. I feel like I need to prove her wrong. There was a point when she didn't believe I would get into college, yes. She suggested that I look into community colleges (FYI! There's nothing wrong with them. Just not my style, you know?) and hope to transfer to a UC. And I felt like I had to prove her wrong by getting into at least one...and I did and I love that decision.

Over this weekend, I casually mentioned to my mom that I declared into the school of humanities and the response was...nothing. She said nothing. I don't know what to get from that, but it's probably not good.

I mean, what the hell happened? Am I still in the first grade mentality when you're supposed to support your child's dreams? Or is that lost in translation now that we have to factor in salary and things like that? Fuck it, I'm not going to fake my way to a degree I don't want and fake my way through a career I don't like or don't excel in.

In the same philosophy class, we discussed how far we would go to protect our authenticity...or I think we did. How far would we go to protect our happiness? Would I die to protect my happiness? I'm not sure. No one has ever threatened my happiness, but I'm pretty sure I would fight to protect it.

But then I thought to myself, how far would I go to protect my dream? Would I risk an incredibly competitive career? Would I risk all the work amounting to nothing? Would I risk the disapproval of my mother? I daresay I might. I may have regretted small things and asked "What would have happened if...?" But I'm not willing to do that with my career and life.

I found myself picturing getting into a huge fight with my mom over what I wanted to do and found myself replying a lot
"No! I have spent my entire life doing things because you told me to. I took honors classes because you told me to. I took AP classes because you told me to. I took AP tests because you told me to. I aspired to go to a UC because you told me to. I went to a UC because you told me to. I studied harder because you told me to. Now it's my turn to not listen and tell you this time that I want to do this. I won't go my entire life wondering if I had gone for it. I'm not ready to base my career on whether or not my mom likes it."
Hmm, sounds kind of harsh, I don't know, I doubt we'll fight about it anyway and I've made my decision already.

My government teacher's words often echo in my mind: "Even though your parents might tell you what to do with your lives, I'm not saying don't listen to them but, just remember this: They've lived their lives already. It's time to live your own."
How appropriate, true, and smart in so many ways at this point in my life.

Well, that hurdle to telling my mom is in my near future, but all this writing and words of support from my friends makes me feel prepared to face it. Thank you everyone for the positive support. It's hard to come by sometimes.

On a different note, this post is dedicated to AJ who admitted that this is way more entertaining than his CAT? lectures. Sorry I didn't post it before you got in the class.




wildwombat