I don't claim to know a lot about love, only what Nat King Cole has told me. You can tell me to wait until the right one comes along all you want. I've heard it all already. "Oh it comes when you just aren't looking for it." Yeah? Just that easy? Because I'm pretty sure you said the same thing when I couldn't find my keys!
I'll tell you I've never been in it.
I'll tell you I've seen other people think they're in it, but they really aren't.
Then I'll tell you I've seen people who think they're in it, and they really are.
And I'll tell you I've seen people who don't have to admit it, but they are too.
I've never even been close. It's funny, but my closest experiences with love can only be described as out of body experiences? or rather through other people.
I've seen people who think they're in love and they really aren't. It's high school bullshit, to put it lightly. Too many claim to be in love just because they're holding hands now or because they've decked out their myspace pages with photos of them. Then have to take it down because they break up the next month. Seems like childish love. I found it stupid, but it could've been my jealousy that I wasn't in a relationship, if you could call them that.
No, I left that up to my friends, let them test those waters first. It never seemed to last and when it did, it was too good to be true. I watched my close friend "fall in love" with some jealous and possessive idiot. I knew it would end violently and it did because that's what it took for her to wake up a realize what was really happening. That's not love. No part of that was love, not even at the peak of their relationship. From the start her friends didn't like him and her parents didn't like him. That wasn't love, it was rebellion or the sick need to prove everyone else wrong and that she could "fix him."
On the other end of the spectrum, I've met some people this year who I truly believe are in love. As you may have gathered from above, I have very little faith in relationships during high school and that continues into relationships that started in high school and try to last through the first year of college. I found the people who rekindled my faith in love, the outliers, the people who made me say "Wow. That is amazing and awesome and great and...wow." I think it's because they've gotten past the point where they need to advertise that they're in a relationship, it's just there. You can see it when they interact. You can see it in the way they walk together, talk together, smile together. I would say that those people are in love and I hope it stays that way. A lot of people would say that we're too young to know what love is, but I disagree, those people's relationships are too strong to not be love at this point.
For me, I can only name about 3 people I may have been able to fall in love with...yeah that could be why I have such little faith in love right now. "Oh don't knock it, till you try it!" Trust me, I've been trying. I'm not trying to fall in love all the time, mind you, but the whole get in a relationship stuff is ridiculous for me.
The first was just not going to happen. She wasn't around long enough for it to happen so I accept that. She did make me feel differently though, beyond just being attracted to her.
The second I can't even explain how it fell apart without anything even happening. I look at her with a bittersweet feeling behind it. Everything was going right, at least it seemed that way. The connection was there, she laughed at my jokes, my friends liked her. It's like wanting to talk to a dead person, that's how many questions I have for her. In my compassionate mind, I would wait for a long time for her, but in my logical mind, the whole thing is a waste of time.
The third has been nagging at my brain for about 3 years now. If any of these could be called the one that got away, it was definitely her. She and I have always been close and tried to keep communicating. Not much I can do about it now, the timing just didn't work out. I mean I only recently found out that she felt/might still feel the same way about me, while the typical reaction might be anger, disappointment or regret, I didn't really feel that way. I was happy just to know. The peace of mind outweighed everything else.
These thoughts are mostly inspired by what I've heard and seen this summer alone. It's nice to see people in relationships. I'm just getting irritated by some friends of mine. I hate that they casually tell stories and laugh about how many people they've hooked up with. I hate that they can't remember if they had sex or not because they blacked out due to alcohol. I hate that they simply casually mention how much they've had sex. It literally bugs the shit out of me. Are you trying to brag? Do you think you're cool because you're so loose? I'm trying not to sound stuck up because I'm still a virgin or anything, but seriously. It's just the way I feel and it's what I believe. You know those people I mentioned about truly being in love? I'm pretty damn sure they're still virgins.
Love couldn't possibly be measure by how much sex you had, it might be a good indicator, but it is way more complex than that, I'm sure of it. I can't even begin to wonder what you're thinking when you do those things with all those people. Are you looking for love? Are you looking for companionship? Are you looking for someone to hold you? Or are you simply looking for a good time? Because I can probably name 100 different things that will give you the same feeling without it involving sex. And I'm fucking tired of hearing about your sex-capades. It's annoying. I feel dirty and awkward hearing about it and even more I feel angry because you act like it's as normal as breathing.
But, as cynical as it sounds, I'll be back at school and I won't have to worry about it anymore. You can sleep with whoever you want, you can hook up with whoever you want. And when it falls apart, I'll be there to listen and try to make you feel better, but that's it. I can hope all I want that nothing bad happens to you, but I will not try and will not be able to do anything else.
I think too much when I'm taking 45 minute long exposures of the night sky.
wildwombat
No comments:
Post a Comment