oops, i just realized it's been a very long time since I last put something in here. Apologies, but it is spring break after all.Anyhow, I got some email from UCI about submitting pictures to the yearbook or whatever so I just decided to try and see what happens if I submitted this picture on the left. I figured I'd have a better chance of something getting published in there than in Transworld Surf. I guess this must be some sign of change because I unless it was Valhalla's yearbook, I never had the confidence to submit my work for anyone to see. I don't know. As of lately, I've been trying to gather myself and find out what I'm trying to do. As must as everyone says I have a lot of time, it doesn't seem like it. I'm almost done with my first year of college and I'm still mostly in the dark as to what I want to do. Actually that's not true because I've found a major that somewhat puiqes my interest, but of course my only hang up is the fact that I'm not sure how much my mom will appreciate it.
Here's what I wish I could say to you, Mom:
I'm not going into the sciences or business or pre-med or anything. I can't be a pharmacy tech. I can't be an eye doctor. I can't be an audiologist. I just can't. I won't survive. I won't be happy sitting in those classes wondering if I'm doing this for myself or doing it because I want you to be happy. I don't have it in me to compete against those kids, they're too smart. As a result, I'm moving more towards the Humanties because truth be told, I am way better at creative things than concrete things. I'm way better at writing than I am at chemistry. I am way better at reading than I am at figuring the velocity of an apple traveling through space. I have realized that I told you I was leaning towards Earth and Environmental Science because I knew it satisfied you at least somewhat, but now I don't even think I want to do that. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to tell you what I want to do because it shouldn't be. You, of all people, know me better than anyone, yet I'm more afraid of what you think of me than anyone else. I'm afraid that I might become so consumed by what you're thinking of me that I'm stopping myself from doing what I love. I feel like I'm good at writing. No one has ever told me that I'm really good at biology or that they see me becoming a doctor, however people have told me I've got a knack for writing or taking pictures. I can still perfectly relive that moment when I was a sophomore and I told you I wanted to be a screenwriter and you simply replied "No." I was in the middle of writing a 40 page story and do you want to know what happened? I stopped. That story is still sitting, unfinished, on the computer. Even after my friends asked when they could read more, I stopped. I gave up on myself because I couldn't stand to think of disappointing my mom. And maybe my sister is a factor in why you feel that way. She's an Econ major. How solid of a career. She'll probably end up working with Fortune 500 companies and everything. She's ambitious enough and she'll work hard enough. I'll be working hard too, just in a different way. And maybe when I tell you that I'm moving towards the school of humanities, you question yourself. Maybe you question the way you raised me. Maybe you question if you should have pushed me harder in school to do better. Maybe you question if things would be different if Dad had been there. God knows I have and I still do almost every day. Would he have pushed me harder to do well in school? Would I have gotten into a "good school" like UCLA if he was around? But the fact remains that you have raised me well enough to know what I need to do. I'm going to pursue something in the school of humanities because I'd rather be doing something that makes me happy than struggling to do something in a place I hate. In all my 18 years, I have followed what you have said and done what you told me to do (most of the time) but now I'm going to be disobedient and tell you that I don't care what you think. I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted. I'm sorry if it won't make you happy or proud. But I'm going to be more sorry if I try to do something I don't like just because it will make my mom happy.
That's all.
To quote Dwayne from the movie, Little Miss Sunshine, "You know, you do what you love...and fuck the rest."
Funny how crying can make you feel more human than anything else.
wildwombat
Nice picture man, best wishes with the yearbook endeavor. I totally agree with you in that a career should be something you enjoy. I also don't think that UCI is any less than UCLA. The people that think that either A. Go to UCLA, or B. Don't go to UCI. Your school doesn't make/break your career. I feel like you are equally prepared for the working world as anyone else, through UCI. You missed a crucial part of the quote, "Life is one fucking beauty contest after another." That's how people look at colleges; by the "name brand." College is college, you can get a white t-shirt at Target for $5.00, or the same shirt at a designer store for $50.00 - it's how you wear it. By the way, humanities doesn't sound that bad, especially when econ majors around the world are graduating into a huge economic crisis.
ReplyDeleteTalk to your mom. She loves you enough to eventually respect your decision. Your decision to major in journalism is not a reflection on how she raised you. In fact, if she raised you the way every parent should, you will have learned to make the best of what life has to offer and that includes pursuing what you love and what you feel is best for yourself, not what is best for others. The reflection on how she raised you is in what you make of yourself and how you project yourself to the world. You know what you want, so pursue it. If this is what makes you happy, it'll eventually make your mom happy. In the end it's not about how much you make or what title you get with your job, it's about how much you love doing what you do. Life isn't worth living if you dread waking up every morning to some 9 to 5 job that you despise. And I whole-heartedly agree with Kyle. Again, it's not what you do, or where you go, but what you make of everything in your life.
ReplyDeleteAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
ReplyDeleteAnais Nin
mr. wombat... don't EVER, NEVER, NOT EVER AGAIN think of yourself as 'second' in your family unless you are referring to birth order, period. You are an exceptional young man with the greatest of potential. You are right on time in outgrowing what your mom thinks, and not doing so will put you at risk of becoming your own worst enemy for the rest of your life.
ReplyDelete(i know your mom can be "scary"...but, you're taller...and we all know that your sister leads a double life :-) )
i can totally relate to your post. someday i will tell you MY 'sad' story as a artist trapped in a 'pre-pharmacist' body at USC...i had the grades and scholarships to be the first PharmD! After my first year, I victoriously broke out and declared an ART major...career goal: medical illustrator..talk about stretching the science thing. I graduated with a Fine Arts degree from UCLA...that was my first act of courage..but, there were quiet nights when i was sleepless and anxious that i could still "hear" my dad at the end of the hallway cursing my foolish choice. but, it faded with time. So, you see, I'm proof that you can survive a parent's disappointment.
Too bad i followed up by choking and getting a MBA because the guy i married (or was it a merger?) thought it was a "good idea" for a fantastic future. (i didn't know he meant his, not "ours") So,to my surprise, he divorced me, and left me staring at a spreadsheet thinking, "WTH???" I don't blame anyone, and although i'm not unhappy, i always wonder..."what if"...
it takes COURAGE! which is more abundant when you are young....JUST DO IT...and keep doing it..."you take care of the quantity and God will take care of the quality"....and then the rest is "just one fucking beauty contest after another"...it's true! never quite heard it put that way before, but, it's all about 'marketing'...
Did you know that my secret superpower is career counseling?
I will end with a quote from my favorite poet, David Whyte...so true.
"a soul would much rather fail at its own life than to succeed at someone else's"